Seeds Of Divorce Matrix
Well, talking about relationship fault-lines and preventing the Divorce Matrix vide couples' unions, I once heard this somewhere:
"A Nag Nags
Nag Nagging Nags
And Conflicts Unleash"
Have you heard that before?
Sounds like a song, or a stanza in a poem, doesn't it?
There can be no doubt that it's emanating from a mind that's agitated.
It's probably issuing from somebody who's experiencing or suffering from effects of nagging activities.
I often replayed those lines in my mind, like a mantra right there in front of my mental eye.
I try to achieve better understanding of all the key issues involved in its divorce-prone tunes.
I ask myself:
Can nagging solve a problem?
Does it build or demolish?
Is it a plus or a minus?
Does it bring couples together, or drive them further apart?
What do you make of it?
Let's talk about it.
Lets examine what roles "nagging" plays in fuelling relationship conflicts and how it may trigger separation or divorce.
To that extent, what can be done to turn things around positively?
Join me by means of the following hyperlinked subtopics:
James Adele and Ireti Badmus stand as our hypothetical couple here.
Both of them have been in a committed relationship, formally engaged, and living together for almost a year now.
Every eye is on them to do the needful and tie the nuptial knot.
Family members and close friends in particular, couldn't wait for them to entwine their lives together.
And that's all well and good, except that there's a problem.
No, you guessed wrong.
It's not that there's no love.
This couple can put their lives on the line for each other.
Did you just mention financial bottlenecks?
No, it's also not about money or finances.
James owns a successful law firm, while Ireti is a vibrant CEO and owner of a flourishing shopping center.
Then what's the delay all about?
Well, if truth be told, Ireti is ready to marry James as soon as yesterday BUT she's afraid to because ....
JAMES IS A NAG.
Are you at a loss figuring out what that's got to do with anything?
Wait for this!
Granted, 'Love" is the proverbial lubricant for harmonious relationship and peaceful coexistence.
What then is "nagging" ?
What role does it play within that context?
In interpersonal communication, Nagging is a major relationship fault-line. There's hardly anything positive about it.
It is the nightmare of people involved in committed relationships and clear path to marital annulment.
Arguably in every ten cases of divorce, you are likely to find a trigger of "nagging" in at least six or more.
It exhudes a lot of negative energy.
It is an assault on love and a definite demoralizing agent.
Here are some of its most common features:
1. It's Like A Pest:
It's persistently bothering or annoying someone with irritating requests, questions, and complaints.
2. It's Unkind
by being ungrateful, insatiable, and unnecessarily critical
3. It's Badmouthing
by consistently discrediting others or tarnishing someone else's image
4. It's Aloof
and constantly behaving or talking in a condescending manner down on people
5. It's A Die-hard Parrot
which goes on and on hammering on the same issues. Call it repetitive, boringly and annoyingly so even, harping on the same subject
6. Uncompromising
in attitude, talking and behaving in judgmental and condemnatory fashion.
7. Unappreciative,
showing no appreciation for another person's contributions, usually disapproving of their actions without seeing anything good in them.
8. Nitpicking
On one hand this suggests being petty.
On the other hand, it means continuously criticizing another guy on account of small, unimportant and even negligible issues.
9. Whiny
which means one is in the habit or attitude of constantly complaining in high-pitched tones as to be annoying and childish.
10. Bossy
by repeatedly seeking to dominate others, or acting in an overbearing manner
11. Fault-finding
which suggests somebody is always looking for whom to fault or pin blames on
12. Combative
They are constantly aggressive and confrontational
13. Disagreeable
by usually proving to be far from being agreeable and instead frequently argumentative
14. Controlling
and manipulative. They would regularly seek to use guilt or coercion to dominate or dictate the other persons' actions, decisions, or emotions.
What would motivate couples in love to resort to nagging?
What can we identify as it's triggers?
Here are some points we should examine.
1. Failed Dreams.
When people believe that their expectations and hopes are not being fulfilled, they could become frustrated and resort to nagging habit.
2. Scorned
When partners believe they are being neglected, ignored or dismissed, it could turn them to nags
3. Lack of communication
.When there's ineffective or zero interaction and communication between couples, they may become disagreeable and confrontational.
4. Unpleasant Attitude
One partner's constant misbehavior may cause unhappiness and lead to persistent criticism from the other person.
5. Emotional Downturn
A resilient buildup of feelings of failure and frustration can create overwhelming stress in partners.
As a result they may become edgy, snappy, unruly, and combative.
6. Unvalued.
If someone nurses notions that they are not appreciated or respected, it could bring out the worst reactions from them.
7. Differences In Goals
This is a sad aspect.
Committed couples are supposed to have common goals to grow their association.
Whereby this is not the case - and this happens a lot - then the centre cannot hold.
This means they would most often be focussed on individual and divisive objectives.
In short, rather than working together, they could be pursuing divergent priorities and needlessly competing against themselves.
8. Gate-crashing
When personal boundaries and responsibilities are not clearly defined and respected, toxicity sets in.
Nagging attitude becomes the vocal and visual means to express that error in the relationship.
9. Old Grudges
Imagine a heart that's filled with grudges and refusing to overcome old emotional wounds.
That will always be a hotbed of resentment and nagging.
10. A Sense Of Overburden
On a final note, people will always react negatively:
- if they feel they are not being supported or appreciated
- when their partner is lax and not pulling their weight or contributing enough
- when they are overburdened or overwhelmed by excessive tasks and responsibilities
This can force them to begin to nag as a means of voicing out their frustration and also to get their needs met.
At this point, what is the way forward?
Here are some steps we can apply to remedy the situation:
1. Find out your own "Why's".
Every development has a reason or source. Sonething always gives birth to another thing.
What then triggers nagging in your own relationship?
If you can successfully discover it, eradicating it would be feasible, easier, and just one inch away from your fingertip.
2. Empathize.
Empathy is a strong dose of antidote to most emotional challenges in relationships.
It enables you to be on the same page and wavelength with your partner.
It also prevents you from viewing them in unfavourable light or becoming antagonistic towards them.
3. Composure
Be mindful of what you say or do to your partner.
Use friendly and respectful language and tones at all times while interacting with them.
4. Develop a positive mindset.
Avoid negative thinking about your partner.
Be forward-looking and optimistic about your association. Focus on constructive feedback only.
5. Tolerance
Take a chill pill.
Relax.
Tolerate.
Look the other way most of the time and stop counting your partner's mistakes.
It works both ways, you know.
If you learn to ignore minor issues, you will avoid creating big ones.
6. Gratitude
Be grateful for what you have.
Cherish your union.
Appreciate your partner and what they bring to the relationship table.
Remember: it takes two hands to wash themselves clean, only one can't do it
7. Be Real In Your Expectations.
He who climbs too high also falls too hard.
Endeavor to always be down-to-earth.
It's better to be moderate, realistic, and humble in setting goals for your partner.
Don't expect too much.
In fact, brace yourself to shoulder setbacks - because they can happen any time.
This will prevent you from emotions of frustration.
8. Avoid assumptions
Ask questions in order to be very clear on issues.
Don't jump to conclusions, they are mostly wrong and misleading.
Above all, stop guessinh but instead seek our real information and clarifications.
This will help you to prevent some of the foundations for nagging, such as:
9. Calmness, Composure, And Patience:
Nagging is usually a product of lack of self control and impatience.
Therefore you should take things easy and give your partner a chance.
You should cultivate a habit of staying calm and composed.
Practice self-reflection, demonstrate self-discipline.
Control your emotions and avoid compulsive reactions.
10. Don't try to correct a misbehavior through nagging.
That only adds to the problem on ground.
These are better ways to correct someone or get them to change their ways, such as:
- Offering Advise
- Positive motivation
- Gentle reminder
11. Offering Help And Support
Nagging is never a solution.
You want to change the narrative?
Render support.
Help your partner.
Be a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, a comforting arm.
12. Communicate Clearly And Directly
to prevent misunderstandings and nagging.
Always encourage open dialogue and consultation in decision-making and to resolve collective issues.
13. Don't be a pessimist, be a problem-solver.
Be solution-minded and constructive in your approach and attitude to your relationship.
In other words, focus on working out solutions instead of yelling at problems.
Understand this and there would be no cause for nagging.
To round up, after all is said and done, a nag within a relationship can only bring down the house.
Nagging builds nothing but can do much damage.
We looked at some of its disadvantages.
We have also examined actionable ways to avert it.
It is my hope that this article has added value to commitment status of couples in committed relationships.
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