It's a given: Comparison can be both good and bad.
It depends on which side the pendulum swings.
In the context of committed couples who are engaged in building a relationship, how does that pan out?
In line with this blog's theme of isolating fault-lines which encourage divorce and proferring solutions to them, let's focus on Unfair Comparison.
What is its role of within that mix, and what are its effects?
Would it be a solution, or an escalator?
Click on the linked sub-topics below to jump-start to our discussion sessions:
Comprehending Unfair Comparison
Have you been disciminatorily assessed before?
Has your partner ever placed you on a public platform and compared you to other people's standards and achievements?
Do you struggle to equate your own relationship with others?
Before you answer, let's find out what our subject even means.
Unfair comparison involves making consideration between two or more things or persons and focusing more on the differences.
It is an unfair assessment whereby one person is evaluated or measured against unrealistic, biased, and inappropriate standards.
It is unjust and improper because it overlooks decency and individuality.
Not only that, it is done with special intent to criticize and judge.
With particular reference to resolving conflicts within couples, introducing unfair Comparison can transform the process into a complex and virtually-impossible exercise.
Much too often this has occurred and still does in homes, within couples, in partnerships and othet relationships.
If the truth were to be told, either you or somebody you know has been its victim at one time or another.
Ask me or my wife and without hesitation we will both tell you we have experience in that department.
We surely do!
I can remember the teething periods in our marriage, when on certain impulses, we used to subject each other to unkind evaluations in anger.
It could be on anything, because as a habit or attitude, applying "Apples to oranges comparison" to somebody covers a wide range of fields.
From personal experience, I can tell you this much: it can be very outrageous, definitely provocative, and insensitive, even dehumanizing.
How can you identify unfavourable rating in your interaction?
Check out the footprints in the sand, in any of the following situations:
1. A spouse, lover or partner makes differentiation between the current and old affairs.
Most often that's not done for favourable reasons but to highlight shortcomings or to show that one misses the former one, e.g. an Ex.
2. A lover applies unrealistic standards to contrast the mate's behavior, appearance, or achievements to those of other people (friends, peers, public figures, more successful people or superiors, etc)
3. Someone constantly downgrades or overlooks his or her own achievements, or the partner's, and focuses more on admiring other people's accomplishments ("Geez, they've achieved so much, I wish we were even half as successful!")
4. A disgruntled and dissatisfied companion compares own bond to those which appear to be publicly superior and "perfect" ("Wao, what a perfect family! How I wish that was us!!")
5. Contrasting performance or abilities, especially in handling responsibilities (financial, household, etc) to the way another person does it, in a manner suggesting that the partner’s efforts are lacking or inferior.
6. A mate measures the partner's character, mode of talking and behaviour against another person's.
7. In anger and during quarrels and disagreements, couples or people say spiteful words to themselves and unfairly weigh one-another against third parties, thereby painting each other as unworthy.
8. Sometimes, spouses, lovers, couples, partners, etc, may negatively juxtapose each other's cultural background and standards.
In the process they might discriminate against themselves.
Roots Of The Problem
For sure, there's a reason for everything.
What are the conditions leading to indecent examination of oneself and affiliations?
1. A lack of appreciation is a common factor.
For instance, a couple who does not cherish each other, to be specific.
Since they don't believe in themselves, and are constantly pulling each other down, they will look impulsively outward, in envy and longing, to locate people who are apparently doing better than they are.
2. Up next is a Nagging habit, which is a direct breeder of judgemental activity.
A partner who habitually nags usually down-plays the achievements of his or her companion, especially through insultive, uncomplimentary and unfair analysis.
3. Then enters Greed, which is of course the obvious parent of insatiability.
A greedy and insatiable fellow would frequently not be satisfied with whatever he or she already possesses.
It is customary for such persons to selfishly and deprecatingly weigh the progress of their togetherness against external ones, in order to discredit the colleague.
4. Again, it might arise as a result of envy,
which is a feeling of discontent or covetousness that focuses on other people's advantages, success, or possessions.
What then plays out is that one of a couple, or anyone else, may start harshly judging and undermining existing achievements, because they desire what other couples possess.
5. At another level, it could be inordinate ambition
playing out its hand of excessive and extravagant desire for success.
A person in this mould might ceaselessly compare self and partner to other people's standards and success, to the detriment of their association.
6. I have also seen where someone embarks
on unhealthy competition with a third party (a member of another couple).
Every bit of success or progress in his or her own family meant nothing, as long as it didn't measure up to or even surpass that of the other couple.
As such, this sadly piled up pressure on the competing couple to defeat opponents who were not even aware that anybody was competing with them.
Your Gains For Not Comparing
1. Not comparing creates Interpersonal Satisfaction.
When you give credence to your companion's unique qualities and yours, you are fostering mutual appreciation and gratitude, and this will result to greater satisfaction in your bond.
2. A duo or partnership
that's free from unhealthy scrutiny will enjoy relationship security.
For example, feelings of inadequacy and insecurity normally emanating from fears that you don't measure up to others, will disappear.
3. It also enhances a free flow
of open, honest and cordial communication within couples, thus strengthening their connection.
4. It boosts
both individual and collective growth when you support each other, rather than unfairly evaluating or applying pressures of unreasonable external standards.
5. Both of you
will also benefit through increased trust in yourselves and in your unity.
You will be able to build a foundation of trust, loyalty and commitment.
6. Indeed, it will remove
tension, eliminate resentment, minimize conflicts, and help you to cultivate a more harmonious relationship.
7. In addition, it makes
it easier for you to understand your individual feelings, challenges, and aspirations, and enables you to develop empathy for each other.
8. Being free of unfair comparison,
couples can relate without the stress and anxiety it normally generates.
Now they can experience a more relaxed and cordial relationship.
9. Additionally, it boosts
couples' emotional connection and makes their togetherness more fulfilling.
In the same vein, it enriches their appreciation for each other, and promotes mutual respect, deeper love, and improved connection.
10. Also, a relationship that is free
from negative comparison will be able to establish a safe haven for development.
It enables them to have positive and optimistic mindset, where both of them can be their authentic self, without fear of being judged or condemned.
How does unfair Comparison affect couples?
Is it for good, or for bad?
As applies to all human activities, every action has an effect.
Expectedly it has a lot of emotional effects on couples and equally affects the way they relate or interact.
The Pros
1. In some cases, (positive) comparisons can positively motivate
and galvanize couples or partners to do better.
It may encourage them to strive to improve themselves to achieve personal growth.
For instance, if you see another partner succeed, it may inspire you to buckle up and seriously work harder to succeed in life.
2. Making well-intended comparisons may help
to clarify and fine-tune a couple's expectations by highlighting their weaknesses and discrepancies.
It can challenge them to have clearer understanding of each other's values and desires and compel them to work together to succeed
3. Even more,
it may motivate couples to realize personal and individual lapses or inadequacies and eventually inspire them to seek for solutions, such as:
- embarking on self-reformation
- attending therapy
- becoming more responsible
The Cons
1. The first casualty of unfair comparison
is healthy communication.
It makes it impossible for couples to enjoy the feeling of being accepted or appreciated.
They may become antagonistic and therefore unable to interact openly and peacefully.
2. Unkind assessment
generates feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and insecurity in couples.
Since one partner may be influenced to believe that he or she is not living up to (unrealistic) standards, it results in low self-esteem and injures individual well-being.
3. If you constantly compare
your partner unfairly and judgementally to someone else, you may end up eroding the trust which once existed between you both.
This could create an environment where emotional safety no longer exists and where defensiveness becomes common.
4. Likewise, insensitive
and repeated display of unnecessary differentiating within coupleship can lead to open resentment.
Without a doubt it is frustrating and usually gives its victim the impression or emotions of being belittled.
This cannot in any way promote the goals of any association.
5. Invariably, too much
of it will result to disaffection, disagreements, and arguments.
If it continues unabated, decay may intrude in their affairs and gradually escalate into major conflicts, including physical confrontations and fights.
6. To be steadily pressurizing
a partner to strive to measure up to external standards will not do either of a couple any good.
It not only causes people to feel undervalued, for both parties it equally removes every sense of belonging, essential joy and satisfaction - all of which are important for a robust and conducive rapport.
7. Incidentally,
through this attitude, a couple may soon lose sight of the significance and value of their own unique strengths and contributions.
In a very big way, it blinds them to the inherent good qualities and potentials they possess..
It won't permit them to cherish what they have or to acknowledge what they bring to their partnership table.
8. Moreover,
when partners or spouses unrelentingly use external standards to evaluate themselves, the union might become toxic and produce long-term emotional damage.
Whereby one of them suffers from an inflicted sense of persecution and regularly nurses grievances of being judged, it could further poison their togetherness.
9. Besides, it can quickly weaken
any affiliation by forcing its participants to lose interest or to fall out of love with each other.
When sentiments are regularly hurt, an unstoppable process of withdrawal may be unknowingly set in motion and it may eventually terminate the partnership.
10. As a corollary,
persons or couples in such an environment, are hardly able to reach consensus or agree on anything.
As a matter of fact, as long as such subjective equation is used in relating, it will continue to tear them apart and they may only be able to present a divided image to the world.
11. Furthermore,
when a spouse or companion is fond of looking over the walls at other couples, it can only produce one result: unnecessary rivalry between two or more couples.
This suggests that external yardsticks and standards are going to be applied to evaluate their performances and this can only be harmful to the couple.
Effective Ways To Eliminate Unfair Comparison
1. Accept yourselves as you are
and stop introducing strange elements into your arrangement.
Study and understand each other and believe in your abilities, capabilities, and selves.
You can improve your situation without necessarily being judgemental and condemnatory.
2. Similarly, don't lose it before you cherish it.
Most times we never value what we have until we have lost it.
Don't allow that to happen.
Endeavour at all times to value each other’s unique contributions and respect what you both bring to the table.
3. Likewise, let's be down-to-earth
and stop setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves or partners.
In this way couples can grow at their own pace together and unpressured.
4. Again, be supportive to yourselves.
Be cooperative, collaborative, and a team player.
Contribute your own quota and work together in a cordial manner.
That is the easiest way to achieve couple's goals.
5. Life is never a bed of roses.
No matter what the situation looks like, let's not nag.
Nagging is an annoying form of repeatedly complaining or harassing a partner on the same issues, even when they have changed for the better.
It flows from a habit of disapproval and dissatisfaction.
Nothing one achieves can stop the flow of nagging, it only shifts position to find new reasons to nag.
6. By extension, let's not trade blames
or embark on fault-finding.
These two activities are products of unfair comparison and just like nagging, even after the basis for their existence is addressed, they don't stop but manufacture new justifications to continue.
So, couples should resist indulging in such practice.
7. Advisedly, let's absolutely refrain from comparing ourselves
and partners with third parties, no matter how impressive or successful they seemingly are.
It's best to stop weighing your partner:s progress and achievements against another person's.
Understand that once you start the process, you will never stop evaluating.
Using external yardsticks or standards to moderate your own relationship is not only unwise but it is actually a recipe for disaster.
8. Moving on, be patient
and resilient, rather than unkindly evaluating yourself or others.
Understand that Rome
was not built in one day; give yourself and mate a conducive free hand and room to operate.
Respect individual differences and help your companion to exploit opportunities for success without being pressurized or stressed.
9. Furthermore,
while there's absolutely nothing wrong in nursing a healthy desire for progress, we should resist inordinate ambitions and the negative vibes that come with it.
Definitely couples should not enter into unnecessary status competition with others and must avoid inflicting additional burdens upon their mates in that regard.
10. In addition, you should avoid envying,
idolizing or idealizing other people's relationships.
Never fall into the trap of assuming that other couples are without blemish, because that would be a total falsehood.
Therefore, stop comparing: focus on your own and make it work.
11. By and large,
you should stop measuring your partner's performance or yours in expectation of getting perfection, else you might be disappointed.
Rather, concentrate on recording steady progress towards achieving your collective goals, and desist from pursuing unrealistic ideals of perfection, because the last time I checked, nobody can be perfect.
12. Are you in a second relationship? Stop comparing your current mate to your Ex.
There's outrightly nothing you can gain by looking back on a closed chapter.
You must allow your past to remain in the past and give a chance to the present.
There's no way on earth your new guy can be the same as your Ex, so why sweat it?
Come to think of it, if your last affair was such an ideal one, why did you step out of it?
Rather that entertaining wishful thinking and unfairly equating your new partner to the former one, it's more profitable you give your full commitment and put all hands on deck to make your current relationship a success.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while there may be a few, definitely limited upsides in (positively) comparing people, it's a done deal that they are overwhelmingly outweighed by the disadvantages .
In furtherance of this reality, we concluded this article by exhaustively examining some of the practical means to prevent such behaviour amongst ourselves.
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